DOWN FOR THE COUNT

Professor Von Welshing, World famous authority on Vampires and the Occult, was leaping in between a leering, fanged Oriental wearing a black cape, and a cowering, succulent young lovely, clad only in a shredded, filmy nightgown. Rain had plastered what little remained of it to her in a very prurient fashion.

Von Welshing brandished an ornate gold crucifix, shrieking, "Back, Unclean One. All your might shall not prevail against the Power of the Cross. The Vampire chortled obscenely. "Long. Honkie asshole. Long Again. Honorable self am Buddhist, and if you have not also blought statue of smiling fat man, you are about to, how you say,' bite the big one."

The Vampire pulled open his cape in the practiced fashion of a old flasher, exposing himself, as well as a utility belt, similar to those worn by Batman and telephone linemen, liberally festooned with assorted religious artifacts and marital aids. "How about a ridow dobow closs, Plofessor Runch Meat", He detached a rather sizeable combination cross, vibrator, and midget pogo stick grinning madly. "We have compired a wrong wrist of glievances, noh has your ignobow name been omitted."

The Vampire bashed the cross from the suddenly limpid hand of the crestfallen Von Welshing. "Plofessor, you have the glave misfortune to meet with Ben Wa, The Inscrutable Oriental. I serve as the 'Wrong Arm of the Raw', and I am lather tempted to ret my Dwarf juke you with this dobow closs viblating pogo, so: "Hey, blo, how about a ridow bro job?"

"Now, my ridow passion frowoh, before we were so ludery intellupted, where was I?" "You were telling me about some kind of, er, 'suitable ploglam of lewahds and punishments', and telling me about your wishes." "Demands", he corrects her, booting Von Welshing in the crotch. "Kneel to receive the blessing, while I stuff this turkey into the dumbwaiter, or vise versa."

He pulls the butler^'s rope, and tells him, after he stops ringing, to send the dumbwaiter with Von Welshing, suitably hog tied, of course, to the Sybil Brand Correctional Facility, and leave him in the Daddy Tank. "Give him about 25 hits of some mind wrenching chemical, and wish all those violent, mentally disordered bull dykes a Happy Thanksgiving. Tell them that the fat gobbler is courtesy of Ben Wa, the Inscrutable Oriental."